How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
