i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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