I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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