I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
