i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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