now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
