she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize