I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize