my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
