i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
