he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
