On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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