Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
