i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
