dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
