I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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