You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
