Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
