ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
