I just threw up on my dentist
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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