it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
