They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
