I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
