Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
