I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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