Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It all started with a game of naked twister.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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