I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
