So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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