I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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