Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
