Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Randomize