Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
