just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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