I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
