I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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