Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
