Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize