This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
