i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
