There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now