so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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