My friends, they love my intelligence
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
