even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
