You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
