you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
