i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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