is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so let's talk penis.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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