Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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