Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
