when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
