I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
