also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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