I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
