so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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