My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
