I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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