I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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