Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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